No one told me that having kids would break me open, and that it's possible to profoundly mourn for a child who is very much alive.
I have three children; two are following the typical middle-class 'Master Plan,' while one has always followed his own path, even to his detriment. I didn't realize it at the time, but as my son drifted further away from my dreams for him he was actually inviting me on a hero's journey that mirrors all the stages of ambiguous grief.
In comparative mythology, the hero's journey is a blueprint for stories involving an ordinary person who is unwillingly drawn into an adventure, triumphs in a crisis by confronting their blind spots, and returns home to live a more fulfilling life. In reality, the 'adventure' is often internal, and 'returning home' is a state of mind rather than a physical place.
For heroic parents, our journey begins when ordinary parenting challenges become a thing of the past and we find ourselves in a world of extra difficult trials and tribulations such as failing out of school, suicide attempts, legal troubles, promiscuity, hospitalizations, homelessness and addiction. If your child's behaviour is leading you down an unfamiliar and frightening path, welcome to The Heroic Parent Club, where the quest is to save your struggling child.
If you choose to embrace this 'call to adventure,' you’ll find that the hero’s journey is actually a spiritual one—it is an opportunity to heal what is broken inside you and become a better version of yourself.
AMBIGUOUS GRIEF (Shock)
When we lose a loved one to the finality of death, there are rituals to help us find closure and our community supports us through the stages of grief outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kressler—shock, anger, bargaining, denial, depression, testing—ultimately leading to acceptance.
However, many of us will struggle in life with a grief that is not caused by death, but by something more elusive yet equally painful to navigate. In her book, Soulbroken: A Guidebook For Your Journey Through Ambiguous Grief, Stephanie Sarazin explains that ambiguous grief is triggered by four other “Big D” events: divorce, discovery (such as uncovering a major secret), diagnosis (like dementia, addiction, or mental illness), and death of an important relationship (including the loss of a job). Because ambiguous grievers are mourning a living death, during her research Sarazin discovered an additional stage of grief—hope—and how we navigate this stage is the decisive factor in determining whether we stay stuck, or integrate our experience and move forward.
For those experiencing ambiguous grief, the absence of a physical death means our grief is intangible to others and therefore isn't validated in the same way. This raises complex questions for heroic parents such as: How to grieve when a loved one is alive, but estranged from us? What if the grief stems from intangible truths unfolding over a long period of time rather than a single event? How do we cope when the causes of our grief are internalized as shameful and frightening, leading us to grieve in isolation? What happens when just as we reach some degree of acceptance of our 'new normal,' another discovery sends us down a new path on our grief journey? What do we do when those close to us respond with judgment and impatience, instead of compassion and understanding?
Where can we find outlets for this nuanced grief, and how can we navigate it successfully?
REFUSAL OF THE CALL TO ADVENTURE (Denial)
For heroic parents, although the journey can sometimes lead to death, the 'call to adventure' starts with a growing realization that something is seriously amiss with your child. Often, the signs are whispers at first, not shouts, so we tend to ignore or try to normalize them. This is the denial stage of grief.
It is normal to refuse the 'call to adventure' because acknowledging the truth to ourselves thrusts us into a land of unknowns. Denial can serve as a useful defence mechanism, allowing us to shield ourselves from a truth that is too painful or overwhelming to accept at that moment by giving us time to adjust to the change in our reality. However, living in denial can have a darker side and become unhealthy, and when it comes to a child who desperately needs help, maintaining the status quo is almost always unsustainable.
CROSSING OF THE FIRST THRESHOLD (Anger)
For heroic parents, there is often a triggering event that forces us out of denial and compels us to face the uncomfortable truth that we've been avoiding: our child is in serious distress. Despite our efforts to evade this unsettling reality, our deep love for them leaves us no choice but to embark on this challenging path.
Consequently we find ourselves unwillingly thrust into the hero’s journey feeling resentful, and we often blame our child for making our lives feel scary and overwhelming. This represents the anger stage of grief, yet this anger is actually the flip side of fear—fear for your child and where all of this is going—and keeping this in mind can help you manage the whirlwind of uncomfortable emotions that will be battering down your door.
In her book, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, esteemed Buddhist monk Pema Chödrön states, “Feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck.”
MEETING ALLIES
Embarking on the heroic parent journey may be inevitable, but wholeheartedly leaning into it is a brave decision. This path demands a vulnerability that may make those who haven't experienced a similar spiritual journey feel uneasy. With your hidden life now likely exposed, you might face what I call “harsh parenting judgments” from some people along your way. If others choose to judge you, this is not your concern; an uninformed person cannot offer wisdom. Your sole focus should be on improving yourself and rebuilding a healthier relationship with your child, because a drowning person cannot save another drowning person, they can only throw a lifeline from the safety of shore.
Although the hero's quest is ultimately a solo soul searching mission, in order for it to be successful you will need wise travel companions who have ‘been there’ and know the way out to guide you through your ordeal. As Ram Dass says, "We are all just walking each other home."
WANDERING THROUGH THE LABYRINTH (Bargaining)
Many heroic parents find themselves in the bargaining phase of grief at this point, mistakenly thinking that by asking the “right questions” they can “fix their kid” and “solve the problem.” Many of us embark on this journey believing that the mission is to save our struggling child, and when the pieces of the puzzle fall into place we can restore things to how they were. But as we ‘wander through the labyrinth’ we encounter dead ends and realize (much to our dismay) that the only way to save our child is to heal our broken selves first, which can seem far more daunting.
If we are truly devoted to our child’s healing and our own well-being, this stage of the hero’s journey demands a willingness to seek answers by uncovering our own truth. Understanding our triggers is a crucial skill for ambiguous grievers. As Sarazin says, "The goal is to be better able to understand what we are feeling, and why, so that we can respond thoughtfully from a place of peace and not unconsciously react out of fear."
DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL (Depression)
The 'dark night of the soul' is also known as ‘entering the innermost cave,’ and everything on your journey this far has been taking you out of your comfort zone and leading you to this moment of surrender.
The critical question is, surrender to what?
Entering the innermost cave implies that there are dark places within ourselves that we’d rather not explore, so we don’t. But entering this cave it is an essential part of your spiritual journey, and if you continue to detour around it life will conspire against you until there is no other option but to confront your shadow self and all the belief systems that have been protecting it.
During the ‘dark night of the soul' we are forced to reflect on our blind spots and acknowledge our role in a dysfunctional family dynamic. Up until this part of your journey, you may have convinced yourself that your troubled child doesn't care about your feelings and is deliberately sabotaging their life and yours. However, the opposite is often true. Children who struggle are usually very sensitive, and their actions stem not from a lack of care, but from caring too much about other people’s opinions without having the tools to handle their pain.
Changing our narrative to view the situation from our child's perspective can be devastating, it is the depression stage of grief, yet this awareness is crucial for healing.
It's natural to torment ourselves with "what ifs" and "I should have's," especially as we witness our child's suffering and self-destruction. But as a therapist once told me when I sat in her office in tears giving myself 10,000 lashes, "a mother who is beating herself up is no good to anyone, so let's move on."
To move forward set an intention to maintain your integrity and practice self-compassion. Remind yourself of Al-Anon's 'Three C's': you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time, and now that you know better, you'll do better. This will require time and practice, you will find yourself falling back into old habits during stressful moments, but instead of self-criticism embrace the mantra "progress, not perfection."
Feeling the source of your pain opens avenues to possibility, but it is very hard to stay the course. Give yourself grace; you are doing "the work" that many people shy away from, and this is something to be proud of.
THE SUPREME ORDEAL (Testing)
Confronting our deepest fears through a series of tests is something the hero must experience to start the transformation, Kessler calls this stage 'the upward turn.' For heroic parents this involves establishing healthier boundaries for ourselves and learning how to let go of our attachment to outcome.
During the testing phase it's crucial to remember that unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional tolerance. Setting boundaries can be an intense and frightening process for heroic parents because the stakes often feel terrifyingly high. It might involve accepting a child's choice to be homeless instead of attending a treatment program, or allowing them to face incarceration rather than rescuing them (yet again), or stepping back when your teenage daughter has her baby. Additionally, our child may unknowingly try to draw us back into the dysfunctional pattern of co-dependency, the key to avoiding this is self-awareness by recognizing our triggers and staying present with our emotions while also disengaging from the drama.
According to the Buddha, sorrow and suffering arise from clinging to a specific outcome instead of accepting reality. On my own journey as a heroic parent, regardless of the path I took for guidance—therapy, support groups, religion, books, words of advice from wise travel companions or pithy quotes—they all brought me back to the same destination: The Land of Letting Go.
It's important to remember that 'letting go' doesn't mean you've stopped caring; it signifies you are honouring your child's journey by giving them permission to control their own destiny. Letting go also involves acknowledging our own shortcomings and correcting them.
During this stage it can be helpful to rely on The Serenity Prayer for guidance: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
DISCOVERING THE MAGIC ELIXIR (Hope)
When it comes to ambiguous grief, the commonality is that we are grieving the loss of a relationship with a loved one who is still alive. Because of this, Sarazin's research revealed that ambiguous grievers face an additional stage not present when one is grieving death—hope—and how we process this emotion is an important factor in determining where this grief journey takes us.
She observed that people dealing with ambiguous grief often fluctuate between two distinct types of hope: external hope—which is the hope that their loved one will return as they once were—and internal hope—which is focused on the self and cultivating a better ‘new normal’.
Focusing on external hope requires magical thinking and factors beyond our control (other people), which ultimately keeps us stuck and held hostage by our grief. Whereas focusing on internal hope and the things within our control (personal growth) is much harder at first, but this process will take all of your broken parts and combine them into one beautiful, integrated whole eventually leading you back home to your core self, possibly for the first time.
The journey of the heroic parent is a hard road, and although this roadmap makes it look simplistic and straightforward, it's not, it's confusing and messy.
This is real life, and your journey will take you on detours all over the place including roads you’ve already travelled down. Just like in Dr. Suess's book Oh, the Places You'll Go! some forks in the road will have you flying with the high fliers ready to take the lead, whereas others will have you going down dark allies where the Hakken-Kracks howl. Do not be discouraged, just keep putting one foot in front of the other while keeping in mind the words of the brilliant Dr. Suess: “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go.”
As you journey onwards you may notice that your inner flame, once dim, has gradually become brighter. This is the redemptive beauty of the heroic parent’s journey, because the magic elixir we discover is growth through grief.
Of course, it’s possible for your journey to end on an elixir-less note—but then you would be doomed to repeat the entire adventure. So while you can't change the circumstances that brought you on your heroic parent journey, you can choose how to navigate it, heal from it, and hopefully even thrive because of it.
CROSSING OF THE RETURN THRESHOLD (Acceptance)
Love and grief are inextricably intertwined, we grieve because we love.
The ambiguous grief of a heroic parent is a natural and healthy response to the death of the dreams we have for our child and our complicated relationship with their struggles. This experience is gruelling and you'll encounter difficult emotions such as guilt, shame, fear, regret, humility, and despair. However, grief is a human experience to be honoured, and healing comes from allowing your journey to unfold at its own pace while making room not only for pain, but also for joy.
The final stage of any grief journey is always acceptance, which is the gateway to finding meaning—an essential ingredient to happiness. The heroic parent's journey is soul crushing at times, but there is one thing I know for sure: the invitation is truly a gift from your child. You might even come to view them as your own personal spiritual teacher and feel a deep sense of gratitude to them for insisting you accept their 'call to adventure'.
IF YOU ARE A HEROIC PARENT
You are not alone, please join me on this courageous adventure by signing up for my free on-line support group, book club, speaker series and webinars.
IF YOU ARE A PRACTITIONER
If you've been looking for a place to host a retreat or run a workshop for parents on this life changing journey, please reach out to me so that we can see if there is a way for us to work together.
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